


The Good Life

by cheesehunter



Category: All Time Low (Band), My Chemical Romance, Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, The Used
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Issa big crossover I Guess, Love/Hate, M/M, Mentionned alcohol, Pride, Rape/Non-con Elements, Roommates, Smut, attempted comfort lmao, ish, the roommates chronicles lmfao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-10-31 19:13:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17855405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheesehunter/pseuds/cheesehunter
Summary: Kellin's roommate, Vic, is absolutely, completely, utterly unbearable and Kellin's sick of putting up with him. Alternatively, the fic in which they're both going to the same college, Vic's somewhat of a fuckboy, Kellin's very focused on his career and both hide many, many, many skeletons in their shared closet.. And they might just come out and play.---Here's a list of trigger warnings because in the tags it's not clear enough;x Emotional abuse and manipulation in a relationship, but not the Kellic. That abuse includes self-harm from the abuser. There's a scene of rape from that abuser as well, but it's not graphic.x Alcohol abusex Sexually explicit content. The graphic parts are consensualStay safe





	1. Chapter 1

“Vic is the worst fucking roommate the earth has ever seen!”, and Kellin’s not just saying it, jesus fuck the guy’s terrible at sharing a living space! For starters, his favourite thing ever is not taking his boots off when he walks inside the room, which, really, Kellin could forgive him for.... If it weren’t winter in the middle of Fucking Massachusetts. To make things worse, one of Kellin’s favourite things is kicking his shoes off once classes are over and just walk around in his socks, and he could do it perfectly fine before this dickhead of a roommate walked into his life, but now, every time he took his shoes off, he ended up with wet socks sticking disgustingly to his feet!

 

Maybe, however, had it only been for the boots, Kellin wouldn’t be complaining to Justin right now. But no, Vic also made a point in drinking the stinkiest coffee in the whole universe! Okay, maybe it was good to the taste, Kellin had too much pride inside his lanky body to try it, but it smelled...

 

“Like fucking, I don’t know man! Worse than the weed high schoolers smoke! And the weed high schoolers smoke stinks so horribly of dead skunk they might as well have rolled it with that!” Kellin gesticulated to his friend, trying to convey the depths of his hate.

 

As if that weren’t enough, Vic had to make a point in bringing back someone new every night. Kellin could really care less about people having sex, but did they really have to have sex right there, fucking, next to him?

 

“Yeah, I think the fuck not, that’s just gross man! I don’t wanna know! Like alright, take them to a motel or something!”

 

To top it all, oftentimes, Vic would come back piss drunk and Kellin just _had_ to help him into bed, because he’s not a dickhead, contrarily to **other** people, but honestly, how does that small, skinny guy weigh so much?

 

“I’m so done with him man!”

 

**

 

It was by a warm monday night and Kellin was trying his best to focus on homework when he heard a knock on the door.

 

“Hey uuuh, I forgot the keys in there.” A voice called from the other side, a hiccup betraying the state of the speaker. 

 

Kellin sighed heavily, unlocking the door and, on reflex, reaching an arm out as he saw the other male was.. well.. he was left wondering how he got all the way up to the small appartment. 

 

“On a monday? Really?” Kellin reproached, shaking his head as he helped him cross the two or three feet that separated the door from Vic’s bed. 

 

“Mh?”

 

Cutting cold blue eyes gazed at sunkissed skin, two gems of brown innocence staring back in questionning. 

 

“Nothing, go to sleep, you’re drunk.”

“Yeah no shit.” Vic responded with a dumb smile and a giggle. “That’s kind of the point.”

 

“I fucking hate you, you know that?” Kellin grumbled to himself, shutting the door and getting back to work. 

 

“Oh reallllllllly? Why?” Vic asked in a sing-song voice, drawing things out and slurring them, which just reminded Kellin that maybe he wasn’t in the best state to be having serious conversations with. “I don’t want you to hate me.” He added, softer, almost fragile, and the responsible student was going to answer before he looked to his side and saw the man was already passed out. Whatever.

 

**

 

“Dude, for real, you can’t keep coming back drunk every single day and just expect me to take care of you like I’m your fucking mother or some shit! And then fucking, have sex right there in front of my fucking face like... Jesus Christ I can’t stand you!” Kellin practically yelled, his whole body leaning forward. Vic was smiling with conceit and pride, and Kellin wanted to punch the smile right out of his face, hopefully along with a few teeth. 

 

“What, you don’t like me fucking around?” He asked, his breath smelling like cigarettes. Was he going to start smoking in here too? That’d just be the cherry on top.

 

Vic wrapped his hand around the collar of Kellin’s shirt, dragging him closer until they couldn’t look at anything but each other’s eyes. Kellin felt a wave of warmth coursing through his body, surprise. 

 

“Would you rather have me fuck you up?” He whispered, and there was no need for more, really, given the closeness. Kellin knew the sentence was meant to be threatening, he could tell by the fold in Vic’s lip as he spoke it, the way his teeth were slightly more revealed than had he been saying anything else. He swallowed, feeling a bead of sweat roll down the nape of his neck, and hated with every fiber of his being that he was tempted to answer ‘Yeah.’

 

Vic let go and the curse was broken. Or had it been a spell? Kellin came back to himself, his normal self, who would perhaps stab this stupid dickhead in his sleep if he kept pushing it like this. 

 

“That’s what I thought.” The darker-skinned boy laughed, shaking his head. “You fucking pussy. All bark and no bite.” 

 

“Oh yeah? Well, if I’m a pussy, you’re a whore. And an alcoholic. You act all confident but I bet your insides are just rotting with insecurities, that’s why you bring a new girl home every night, you want to convince yourself that you can be loved.” Kellin spat out, feeling his body fill up with power as he watched the mildly surprised look on Vic’s face turn sour, and smiling spitefully as he realized he was right.

 

Kellin laughed, “ But you’ll never find anyone. You know why? ‘Cause all you are is a hollow douche who can’t feel shit for anyone. You piece of egoistical shit. I hate your guts. I hope you fucking choke on the next beer you drink, or better, choke on your puke during your sleep and die.” 

 

Of course, there was no way Kellin would mean any of those words, he was just so drunk on power, he couldn’t stop himself. 

 

“Are you done?” Vic asked coldly, his eyebrows furrowed. 

 

“For now.” Kellin responded, not realizing until it was too late.

 

The breath got knocked right out of him. 

 

He blinked.

 

He wheezed, gasping desperately for a sliver of air to enter his lungs,  both arms wrapped tightly around his middle. Fuck. It hurt so bad. Shit. He couldn’t fucking breathe.

 

Two hands pulled him up. “Fuck, fuck I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just couldn’t... Shit, breathe with me. Come on dude, just breathe.” The hands were gently running up and down his sides. “There you go, yeah, just like that.” 

 

Kellin blinked quickly, disoriented. He knew he should push the asshole off his body, especially after he’d fucking punched him, for fuck’s sake, but he couldn’t help but to appreciate his touch, even as he tried to catch his breath. 

 

Warm hands gently wiped at his face. “Dude, you’re crying.” Vic said, a little bit incredulous. 

 

Kellin’s cheeks burned up with shame.

 

“Fuck off! Fuck you! Fuck you so much!” He exclaimed, pushing him away and cowering up into a ball, hugging his ankles. “I didn’t sign up for this to have you mock me!” 

 

“Hey, I’m not mocking you--”

 

“Just leave.”

 

“Alright..” 

 

The door was slammed on his way out.

 

Needless to say, the following days were pretty awkward, and Kellin had a big, purple bruise on his sternum, but at least Vic didn’t fuck anyone else for a few days. Nor did he come home drunk. He simply quietly came and went, not making a big fuss, which was a big plus for Kellin’s studying...

 

But his mood  was plummeting  horribly. 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet Gerard and he immediately fucks up. c:

“Victor, hold up!” Kellin said one night, grippig the boy’s shoulder as he was about to walk out. His roommate was dressed in a loose white shirt and a thin leather jacket, and already reeked of alcohol despite the early hour. Though he smelled like a minibar from a five-meter-radius, he wasn’t drunk. From the light tainting of his cheeks, Kellin estimated he might have been tipsy.

 

Two brown, slightly glazed-over eyes met Kellins. “Yeah?”

 

“Listen, the other day..” Kellin started, licking over his chapped lips.

 

Vic smiled gently, a soft laugh escaping his throat. “It’s okay pretty boy, forget it.”

 

Kellin’s eyes widened a little. “No I mean it, it wasn’t fair. I don’t like you, but I didn’t mean those things I said...”

 

“Shut up, dumbass.” Vic shook his head, still smiling. “I’ll see you later.” He took Kellin’s hand off his shoulder, letting go after the split of a second.

 

Before the door fell shut, the studious boy called “Don’t get too drunk, yeah? I don’t feel like dealing with that tonight.”

 

* * *

 

One. Two. Three. Four.

 

It was four. Four in the fucking morning. Vic wasn’t back. Kellin’s fingertips were raw. He didn’t know why he was so worried. It was already so late. Or early. Whichever way you’d rather see it. Fuck.

 

Usually, by now, Victor’s heavy, regular breathing would’ve lulled into sleep. What if something had happened? Rationally, Kellin knew that thought process was irrational, but he wasn’t a scientist, he was an artist! Kellin wouldn’t be able to forgive himself, if ever.. Thinking back, Vic hadn’t really done that much for Kellin to hate him with such fierce passion.

 

The sun came up. The boy stumbled in. Kellin was passed out by then. Looked like literal shit.

 

* * *

 

“Vic, baby.” A smooth, honeyed voice called from the couch. Vic made his way towards warmth and softness on unsteady feet. He sat down, his hands automatically reaching for her waist. His girlfriend smiled drunkenly, pushing her frail body against him. “I missed you so much sweetie.”

 

He pressed his feverish lips against hers, running his hands up and down her back without saying a word.

 

* * *

 

“Wake up, dickhead.”

 

Vic blinked slowly, confused. His friend, Jaime, was leaning over him, a playful smile tugging on his lips. “It’s seven and Alex wants us to go. His parents are coming back today. Come on!”

 

“Why’s... Parents.. We’re not in high school anymore..” Vic slurred out sleepily, rubbing at his eyes to try and see a little better.

 

“Doesn’t matter, cover yourself, for fuck’s sake!”

 

Apparently, Jaime was in a good mood. Vic not so much. His head was pounding, the room was way too bright... And why the hell was he naked?

 

‘Shit...’ Victor thought, chewing on his lower lip. A hot pink lacy bra was resting on his nude chest, a little heart scribbled in sharpie on his hand with her round letters spelling out “I’m sorry.”

 

Vic groaned softly and made his way out of the room after covering himself, leaving the bra behind.

 

“So, how are things going with Kathy?”

 

“They’re alright..”

 

“I thought you guys had a fight?”

 

“How’s Lesley doing?”

Jaime shrugged. “ She’s doing better. They’re gonna have to treat her next week. I guess we’ll know then.”

 

Between conversations and a little driving around, they were already almost at the residencies again.

 

“Come have brunch with us, Gee’s gonna be there.” Jaime suggested.

 

“Sure, let me just grab some clothes..” Vic made a face at his shirt, that smelled strongly of puke, alcohol and who knows what else.

 

“Five minutes.” Jaime responded, stopping the old chevy in front of the student residencies.

 

Vic nodded and dragged the dead weight of his hungover body upstairs, fiddling with the keys before he managed to unlock the door, turning the knob and pushing it open. The room he shared had a static feel to it, one only a Sunday morning could bring along. On the bed, Kellin, deeply asleep. Vic smiled, picking his clothes up and stepping into the bathroom to change quickly. He was so glad they had a bathroom – not every student had that luxury. Vic changed rather quickly into a thick black sweater and tight skinny jeans, running a hand through his long brown locks. He opened the faucet, running his hands underneath the water and rubbing furiously at the heart until it was mostly erased. His hand was red by then, a vibrant shade the color of blood, hickeys and contusions yet to be formed. 

 

He crossed the room back to the door rather quickly, the sunlight warming his back as he walked away.

 

When he and Jaime reached the restaurant, it was half pat eight and their friend was waiting already. The place was painte in yellows, oranges and yellows and inhabited of smiles and laughter. Gerard, crazy red firetruck hair falling all the way down to his shoulders, crinckles decorating the corners of his eyes, was already sittingat one of the tables. Vic didn’t remember exactlyhow they’d gotten to know the older kid, he just recalled he’d always been around and had someday just sort of merged into the group.

 

“Vic!” The redhead exclaimed as they came in. “Jaime! It’s been so long, what have you been up to?”

 

Jaime and Vic sat, smiles on both their faces.

 

“Well, Vic’s been back and forth with his chick... So nothing new.” Jaime teased and Vic elbowed him in the ribs.

 

“Shut up! You’re just jealous ‘cause you’re not getting any! How have _you_ been, Gee?”

 

“Ah, same as usual man.” He made a face. “I’m a couple months sober.”

 

Vic’s lips took a slightly sad upturn. “You look great.”

 

“Yeah? I don’t feel it.”

 

Jaime shook his head, tapping Gerard’s shoulder from across the table. “Lighten up dude, you’re doing good!”

 

Gerard looked down at his hands, smiling softly and shrugging. “It doesn’t feel like me. Like sure, I can live without it, but I don’t enjoy it.. I like getting wasted! I don’t like dealing with the aftermath but... Listen, I feel like the world just doesn’t let me be me.”

 

“Are you stupid?! It was killing you. You weren’t alive, Gee! I stepped in on you-- just.. It was so freaky man!”

 

“Well what if I don’t want to be normal? What if I don’t want to be alive?!”

 

A loud silence echoed between them, Gerard’s traits softening.

 

“Uuh.. Can I get you guys a coffee?” A voice asked awkwardly. A man with greasy, unkept hair and a patchy beard was standing there, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but.

 

Gerard laughed softly, hiding his face. “Oh god..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are extremely appreciated! Please! Please! Please!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut,,,, basically. And Gerbert. But not Gerbert smut. no actual cheating but u kno, b careful.

“Hey uh, I’m sorry you had to hear that.” Gerard apologized awkwardly right before they left, avoiding eye contact with the waiter. The latter was leaning on the countertop and Gee knew that because his gaze was stuck decoding the tattoos on the male’s hand. They mixed a plethora of colors yet inspired such darkness. On the little finger, a broken heart. It was cute. Immature, but cute. 

“Ah, it’s nothing. Happens to the best of us.”

“Anyway uh..” Gerard dared a look at the waiter’s face. “You’re really cute.”

The guy laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah? Here, we can talk about suicide and stuff some other time, you know, after my shift.” He smiled, scribbling his number down on a napkin with a bic pen that had been sitting atop his ear then crumpling it up and throwing it on the redhead. “You better get going, your friends won’t wait forever.” He winked, pointing at the two impatient-looking kids standing by the door. 

“Yeah.. Yeah I better go.” Gerard repeated stupidly, chuckling softly and turning on his heels, slipping the napkin with the number and a little “Bert” written on it in his pocket. 

Vic got back to the appartment around noon, heading straight for the cabinet to see if he could get rid of the headache that had been annoying him since the morning. After he’d swallowed a couple ibuprofens dry, he headed back to the room, where Kellin was, as expected, studying. 

“Do you ever do anything other than that?” He teased, laughing softly at his own joke as he cleaned up the mess on his side of the room. 

“Do you ever do anything other than get drunk and sleep around?” Kellin snapped right back, in a voice so flat it was almost scary.

“Oh, Kellin isn’t happy, what are we gonna do...” Vic mocked, pitching his voice a little higher to say, “I will snap your neck, Victor, you whore!”

Kellin inhaled sharply, his fingers scraping the melamine of the desk. “Shut up.”

“What, is Kelly on her period?”

“I said shut up.”

“Make me.”

“You’re not worth my time.” Kellin muttered under his breath, shaking his head and taking the pencil back from where he’d left it to change a couple things about the sketch that lay under his eyes. 

“I’m not now? Now that’s not very nice... Where the ‘I didn’t mean those mean words I said to you’ guy from yesterday.” 

“Jesus christ could you try, maybe, for two seconds, to stop being such a dickhead!? I stayed up all night and part of the fucking morning waiting for you to come back. You know why?! ‘Cause I don’t actually want you to choke on your puke and die! I passed out because I literally could not stay up any longer! I thought you were fucking, I don’t know man! And you show up, all pretty and hungover, smelling like you should definitely take a shower, and already annoying as hell. I’m sorry Vic, I’m really not down with your bullshit right now, so if you could just shut up and let me work that would be amazing!”

Vic laughed loudly. “You stayed up? Goody two shoes was worried about me? Oh, I’m so sorry, should I write you an apology letter? Or maybe next time I go out, you put a curfew? We’re both adults and we barely know each other, what the fuck. Calm your tits, for fuck’s sake!”

“Stop saying those things to me! I’m not a girl!” 

“You look and sound like one!” 

“Fuck you.”

“I don’t bottom, Kellin.” Vic joked, lips brushing against the shell of Kellin’s ear as he spoke, sending a shiver down said boy’s spine. “If anything, fuck you.”

“I bet you would fuck me.” Kellin responded, back straight like a woodplank. “And you’d love every second of it.”

Vic slid his hands up Kellin’s back until they were at his shoulders, digging his thumbs in and massaging the tense muscles. “Always on edge, Kells, you should work on your anger issues. Just relax...”

Kellin didn’t know why he was playing along, why he was letting this idiot touch him, but he was, and he couldn’t bring himself to push him away.

“I’m only on edge when you’re around, dimwit.”

“Oh, is that so?” Vic purred, a winning smile on his face, filled with innuendos, that Kellin caught in the reflection on the screen of his laptop.

“Oh come on, you know that’s not what I meant. Fuck off now.” 

“I think that’s exactly what you mean, though..” Vic continued, not moving one bit. “I think it gets you off, fighting. Don’t think I didn’t catch the way you looked at me when I grabbed you by the collar. Those take me eyes.” He slid his hand down Kellin’s chest.

“I have no intention of letting you screw me, Fuentes, but if I did, I’d have no issues getting what I want from you. All you want is a warm place to shove your dick in, you and I both are aware of it, so why lie. You know, I’m pretty good in bed. It’s a shame you’re such a disgusting person, else maybe you’d be aware of it.”

“Yeah right. You’re like, a virgin.”

At that, Kellin swatted the male’s hands away and spun the chair around, grabbing Vic’s hips. His face was about level with the former’s belly, which meant Vic could perfectly see the outline of his hard cock through the thin fabric of his skinnies. Which also meant he could perfectly see Vic’s erection, a little below his face.   
He reached for it, palming Vic’s dick through his clothes and looking up at him innocently. “A virgin? That’s your best insult? Come on, be creative.”

“A nerd.” Vic responded, his voice slightly less assured now, as his hips chased the friction provided. He didn’t even know why he was turned on, but there was no denying he was. “A no-life fucking.. Ah--...” He sighed as Kellin slipped his hand past the fabric, now properly jerking him off, his movements just fast enough to push him closer to the edge but slow enough to keep him waiting.

“I’m listening.” Kellin responded, before lowering his head to mouth at Vic’s crotch. 

“F-fuck.. Stop teasing. Get me off.”

“Look at you, one second insulting me and the next one you’re on the edge of begging. Oh please. You’re the biggest whore I’ve ever encountered, Victor, and for that, I’m not getting you off.”

At this point, all hopes Vic had had flown out the window. He was left with frustration deep within his chest, only wanting to punch this guy black and blue. He did not. He turned on his heels and laid on the bed, proceeding to bring himself to his own release. It didn’t feel good, as much as he put on a show for Kellin to wish he’d gotten him off, it was very underwhelming after the preview of what could’ve happened. 

At least it had been an effective measure to shut him up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please be careful, this chapter deals with a lot of possibly triggering things, like emotional abuse, manipulation, self-harm, alcohol abuse and rape. This isn't cute. This isn't okay. This isn't what a relationship should look like.

Saying the following day was awkward would be an understatement. Kellin stared at him with a knowing smirk all day, even taking the opportunity to offer him a nice and slow, juvenile jerking off motion, throwing his head back with his mouth open and all during one of the breaks, from the other side of the cafeteria. Vic had responded to it with the classic middle finger, counting himself lucky no one else was looking at the dark haired boy. No one but him.

He had to admit Kellin was rather attractive for a dude, with his delicate, almost feminine traits. Yeah, that’s why he liked his face. It had to be that. The feminine traits.

“Hey sweetheart..” A sing-song voice surprised him, his girlfriend, climbing into his lap. She smelled like she’d just bought new perfume and bathed in it. Something spicy, sharp and strong. Vic didn’t mind. He smiled at her, grateful for the distraction, and lockd their lips for a couple of seconds. When he looked towards Kellin again, he was no longer there. The chances he’d seen it were slim. Well, it was really no secret that Vic slept around, not even to hi sgirlfriend, though they didn’t talk about it, but still, he’d rather avoid making Kellin hate him even more. Hs girlfriend slid her cold hands down Vic’s shirt, feeling his hips and then up to his chest.

“Not now baby.” Vic responded, weakly pushing her away.

She gawked at him and that’s when he knew he’d fucked up.

“No, please, come on, don’t make a scene...”

“No, youre right Vic, not right now. You’re right.” She climbed off, looking offended and sat next to him, turning around to talk to Jaime instead.

Vic rolled his eyes, annoyed. Yeah, she was great, but jesus, what a drama queen! He exhaled softly, eating his food quietly and heading to class. 

Philo was boring as usual, babbled about the imaginary by snobs and pretenders. The teacher had chosen to project some images so she’d slid down the blinds. The smallest ray of sunshine was peaking through, illuminating some dust particles floating around and giving the place an eerie feel. Another summer hour, wasted.

When class was dismissed, she was waiting for him at the end of the hallway. 

“Vic, we need to talk.” She announced.

“No we don’t.” Vic walked past her but she ran in front, placing her manicured hand on his chest.

“Wait, Vic, baby... I love you, okay? You’re the love of my life. You make me feel sane.”

Victor stopped, looking into her hazel eyes, so full of insecurity that it shook him almost to his core. He slid a strand of her hair behind her ear. She smiled gently, pained. 

“I know I’m overemotional, it’s just.. I’ve been hurt so badly before...”

She clung to him, her hands like claws on his back as she hugged him tight.

“But I can’t live without you, you know it’s true.” She continued, her frail body shaking in a held back sob. 

“Remember this, Vic? Remember?” She added, pulling away and tugging her sleeve up. “It hurt so bad... I just wanted out..” 

Vic bit his lower lip, kissing her softly. “Yes baby, I remember.” He said, holding her face. How could he have forgotten. The guilt was eating him whole.

“I-... I’m just so scared Victor. Every time I’ve been denied sex it’s because people are disgusted by me, because they don’t want me anymore. It hurt so much each time, it’s like my heart being ripped out. But you... You it would be different. I survived up to here, but I wouldn’t survive you leaving... I’m too disgusting.” Her cherry mouth was trembling.

“No. No you’re not. Don’t say that.”

She nodded, taking a sharp intake of air. “Yes, I am. I’m so sorry. You’re too good for me. I’m so fucking sorry. I should fucking kill myself.” She dried her eyes, cursing herself out under her breath. 

“No, stop it. You’re not killing yourself. No one’s dying tonight. Come over to mine.. I’ll take care of you. We’ll figure out something.” Vic responded, shaking his head vigorously. How could he have forgotten? He couldn’t just deny her sex. She’s fragile regarding those things. He swallowed the lump in his throat and took her hand, kissing it.

She shakily nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

A couple hours later, she was laying, her tits out on his chest, her breathing slow and even. Vic ran his hands through her hair. Their relationship was far from perfect, but all relationships are a bit flawed, right?

“I love you.” The girl insisted, drawing on his skin. After a couple seconds of silence, “Say it back.”

Vic smiled gently, snapping out of his daydreaming. “I love you too.” She was so cute with her childlike ways, at times. She slid her hands further down.

“I’ll suck you off to make up for the argument.” She stated, not letting him slip a word before her hands were on his hips. He reluctantly slid his pants down, letting her have it her way.

It was longer than he thought it would be. She ended up sprawled on the mattress, glistening from her own sweat. He felt tired. Exhausted, even. Most of all, he felt weird. 

Vic rose to his feet after she rolled to the side to take a nap. He tiptoed into the bathroom and shut the door, reaching for the lightswitch before changing his mind, instead, his fingertips turning the lock. In the dark, he advanced towards the bathtub. He sat on the floor, his back against the cold porcelain, his palms pressed to the cold ceramic, his head engulfed by the cold ambient. 

“What the hell’s wrong with me?” Vic asked himself quietly, the silence responding. He repeated the question, desperate for an answer. “What the hell’s wrong with me?” Again and again as he replayed the scenes in his head. It should’ve gotten him hard. He should’ve been dying to fuck her. He should’ve been begging her for sex. That’s what guys are like. Guys are supposed to be eternally horny. 

Fuck...

The whistling of the wind only added to his distress, he closed his fists, digging his nails into his palms. 

Fuck...

He checked the time and then finally got up, not knowing whether he’d been three or thirty minutes sat on the floor, but his ass was sore, so most likely the latter. 

Turned the lights on. Fixed his hair. Got out. Got a bottle. Warm beer. Piss for all he cared. He took a long swig and sighed. Make it two. Make it three. When she awoke, she joined him. 

“You’re drunk. Again.” Were Kellin’s words when he stumbled in their shared appartment. Vic nodded quietly. 

“What’s up with that frown?”

“C-Can you just help me get to bed? Please? I’m sorry I’m such a burden.” Vic slurred out, his weight leaning on the doorframe. He could walk straight. More or less. He sure couldn’t think straight.


	5. Chapter 5

Vic laid on the bed quietly for quite a while. He was drowsy, but he couldn’t find sleep, as much as he wished for it to come already. His eyes were vacant, empty. A certain sense of disconnection washed over him like salty waves on a sand shore, a beautiful white beach. A belly laugh erupted from the deepest of his stomach, sending ripples through his inebriated body, but soon, the calm extent of blue woke with the wind’s caress. A caress turned into pressure, cold and hot colliding, a spiral, a column. His guts twisted, his insides torn apart with the violence of a cyclone. The water overflowed.

 

“Hey.”

 

Vic jumped.

 

“Shh..”

 

Trapped.

 

“Please... Please let go of me.” He demanded, hiding his hideous face into the boiling palms of his hands. Tufts of his hair were entrapped in his fingers’ death grip, knuckles white. They were gently released by other hands, softer hands.

 

“It’s okay. Let it out. You’re okay. Don’t hurt yourself. I’ll take care of you.”

 

Vic was way too exhausted to say “No, I’m a **man.** I don’t need a nanny!”, so he simply let Kellin knock himself out, tucking him in, dressed and all, leaving him water and aspirin for the bedside, a box of Kleenex. When the storm had died down, he found himself getting rid of all that water in the bathroom, head hidden into the toilet bowl. His hair was held. His back was rubbed. He did not fall asleep on the cold tile floor.

 

* * *

 

“Good evening sleeping beauty.” Was what greeted Victor, along with a pounding headache and a bright-ass ceiling framing Kellin’s head and neck. He let out a pained groan, covering his face with a pillow.

 

“Fuck off...”

 

“No, get up, it’s three.”

 

“I don’t care. Everything hurts.”

 

“Don’t be a big baby now. You _chose_ to get drunk.”

 

Vic sighed, his heart sinking at the mention of the previous night.

 

“Yeah, by the way, about last night...” Kellin started, leaving it hanging, hoping Vic would complete it. Victor lowered the pillow, peeking at the dark haired boy, his eyes so wide and unarmed for a second that Kellin was devastated, transfixed by the intensity of Vic’s gaze. It was gone as fast as it came though, and Kellin pushed the odd sensation still rippling through him away.

 

“It’s nothing, something stupid. I was really drunk and Jamie said I was a faggot.”

 

Kellin chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re an idiot... And... Are you?”

 

Vic made a face, throwing the pillow at Kellin and half-heartedly pulling himself out of bed. “Of course not! What the fuck... Are _you_?” He spat out accusingly, swallowing the aspirin dry and raising both eyebrows at Kellin.

 

The latter shrugged. “What’s it to you?”

 

A moment of silence echoed between the two. Vic shook his head, breaking the tension.

 

“No... You’re right. It doesn’t matter.”

 

“You got hard the other day.” Kellin added, his voice almost in a plea, wetting his lips and swallowing his spit.

 

Vic lowered his head, smirking. “Fucking fairy. You into me, Kelly-boy?”

 

Kellin sighed heavily, turning around. “What are you gonna do about it? Call me names? Punch me? It’s like high school all over, you can’t hurt me like that. Go take a shower now, you stink.”

 

Vic smelled his shirt, that did, in fact, stink, and walked towards the bathroom in deep thought. He looked at his hands, massaged his neck, rolling his head around.. Nothing hurt but the inside of his brain.

 

Before he could turn the doorknob, he felt an urge to turn around. To apologize. Kellin was the only reason he was in this shape right now. Had he not been there, Vic would have spent the night puking, woken up at five, hugging the toilet bowl, dying of hunger, an even worse headache and his throat dry and so, so hurt as he gagged the remnants of his spit.. Vic bit his lower lip as he entered the bathroom without a word.

 

He thought of Kellin as he showered, thought of how he’d never really cared about Vic mistreating him. Despite getting bothered, teased, even punched, Kellin had been nothing but nice to him. He had never left him at the door. Kellin had never left him on the bathroom floor, not even once.

 

He thought of Kellin grabbing his hips, touching him gently, never pushing, never pulling and never holding him down. He thought of Kellin’s words, “You got hard.” Yeah. Vic had. “It’s like high school all over.”

 

He dried himself thinking of Kellin. Of the softness in his eyes. The easy, relaxed feeling in Kellin’s denim blues.

 

When he got out, a coffee cup was waiting for him on the table, scrambled eggs sitting on a plate, ustensils laid out beside it.

 

“Hey Kells uh..”

 

Kellin spun around on his chair, gazing at him boredly. “You’re gay Kellin. You look like a girl.” He mocked.

 

Vic smiled. “You’re a slut Victor! You’d fuck anything that walks.”

 

“Kellin, you’re a nerd!” Kellin laughed softly.

 

“Vic you’re such a fuckboy! And not even a pretty one!”

 

“Shut up and eat the scrambled eggs I made you. By the way; you can’t make coffee for fucking shit, dumbass.”

 

“Hey! Yes I can!”

 

“No! I thought the coffee was bad but I think you just always burn it!”

 

Vic’s laugh felt like butterflies as it escaped his throat, completely natural. It wasn’t pulled out, forced, and it felt so good. It felt so good he wanted to do it again and again, he wanted to laugh for the rest of his life. The situation itself wasn’t so funny, but as he looked at Kellin, Vic knew he knew. He could see it in the genuine smile, the understanding glint in his eyes.

 

He took a sip of the hot drink, and yeah, Kellin was right, Vic was horrible at making coffee, which should, really, be intuitive, but give the boy a break man!

 

The opened stores showed a fluffy-white-clouds-and-blue-sky day out. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kellic tension rises. Gerbert.
> 
> TW: Graphic depictions of violent aftermaths.... from like, the first chapter.
> 
> Please do not hesitate to comment, it really fuckin helps the motivation man,,, i know you've got better to do,,, but,,,,, hhhhhhhhh......

“What are we doing today?” Vic asked, trying to make conversation between two sips of coffee. Jesus it was so good.

 

Kellin smiled playfully. “Why? You wanna ask me on a date?”

 

Vic laughed, shaking his head. “Yes, exactly. Nah man.. To be fair, this petty guerrilla was lasted enough, let’s just be friends from now on. You’re a good guy, Kellin.”

 

Kellin raised an eyebrow at him. “No will do, Vic. We can be on good terms but you need to win my trust to be my friend, and you’re far from trustworthy in my book.”

 

At first, Vic thought it was a joke, but as Kellin showed no signs of being humoristic, his eyebrows knit tightly in confusion. He was aware that Kellin had every right to hate his guts, yet still decided not to... And if someone doesn’t despice you, then.. Don’t they already kind of like you? Enough to befriend you at least?

 

“How come? I’m not your enemy.. So.. Can’t we be friends?”

 

Kellin rolled his shirt up, revealing his chest. Vic gasped. A circle-like shape had taken watercolor shades of blue, green and yellow, depending on the place. The tanner of both boys released a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. Their eyes met and Vic extended his hands towards him. In quiet agreement, Kellin took a step forward, then another one, eyes going round like pennies as he felt the sting of cautious, warm hands on his contusions. Vic traced out the shape, so, so obvious against the porcelain skin. The silence they shared brought them together like a black hole and stood between them, swallowing their words. Kellin’s fingers gave out, his lip caught under sharp teeth, the fabric rolling back down and covering Vic’s hands, pulled by the force of gravity as Vic looked up questionningly.

 

“I-It’s nothing. I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty, we all make mistakes. I just... You get why I can’t trust you...?”

 

“I-... Ah fuck Kellin! No! Of course you can’t trust me! No fucking wonder!” Vic exclaimed angrily, the chair falling back as he got up, a loud slam against the wooden floor. “ I can’t believe you’re still even here sharing this room with me!” His headache intensified into the buzzing of a thousand tattoo needles engraving nasty words inside his skull. Kellin, in front of him, arms outstretched, eyes wild, hands open, ready to defend himself. Vic was paralyzed. His heart melted like a candle and dripped all over his insides, burning him with passion only wax knows. A deer caught in the headlights. Kellin. _Kellin_.

 

He was young. In his twenties. But he looked like a scared, lost child, afraid, shaking, his eyes were innocent, but his muscles knew much too well. It was adrenaline, it was fear, fight or flight, reflex, Kellin couldn’t help it. He was scrawny. Tiny. Girly. Gay. He was white-no-muscles-on-skinny-bones. He was different.

 

“No, don’t.. Please, don’t fear me.” Vic responded without even being prompted, to some kind of quiet plea. He looked down at his trembling hands, at the chair on the floor, at the scared boy in front of him.

 

It all made too much sense.

 

Kellin, like he was ashamed, quickly picked up the chair, offering the other a tight smile. “I don’t. You can’t hurt me.”

 

“Fuck... How can I fix this?”

 

“You don’t need to fix anything, Vic. It’s fine.”

 

“No. I do. I never meant to...”

 

Kellin smiled sheepishly, understanding the end of the sentence even though it had never been spoken. He tilted his head. “Then you have no reason to feel guilty about it, silly.”

 

Vic’s face got weird and Kellin felt terrible. There was so much sadness, so much guilt, so much sorrow in the usually bright chocolate orbs that he had to grab his face and plant a very chaste, gentle kiss on the boy’s forehead.

 

“I’m telling you not to worry, okay? So don’t.” Kellin’s hands were rather cold on Vic’s cheeks. The latter froze, his hands resting on Kellin’s hips, not saying a word about the peck. “I’m gonna go study, okay? If you need anything, just tell me, yeah?”

 

Vic had never felt so unjustly treated in his whole life.

 

* * *

“So, tell me more about you, Gerard?” Bert asked, his head resting on his palms, elbows on the table. His hair was just as messy and disgusting as when Gerard first saw him, his eyes bright and sparkly, though. Gerard himself was arboring a smile from ear to ear, his vibrant red hair pushed back, hands resting on the table, and, eventually, tracing over Bert’s hand tattoos shyly.

 

“Well, I studied arts and am currently trying not to starve to death. So.. Arts was not a good choice.”

 

Bert laughed something raspy as the beard that decorated his face. Gerard just wanted to run his fingertips over the surface of it. He imagined the rough contrast on the tip of his delicate fingers, biting his lower lip.

 

“Liberal arts?” Bert asked, looking very puzzled.

 

“Huh?”

 

“You studied liberal arts?” Bert repeated, an amused smile tugging on his pink chapped lips. The other boy being a little spaced out was honestly pretty cute. McCracken wondered what strange things inhabited his mind.

 

“Oh...” Gerard hastily shook his head. “No, no! Like, arts and crafts.” He joked, relieved when Bert’s face took a veil of approval.

 

“I like that. You’re very pretty, you know?”

 

“So I’ve heard.” Gerard replied, not exactly dripping confidence but a playfully cocky smile on his lips. “What about you? Who are _you,_ Bert?”

 

The latter shrugged as he played with his ustensils. It took a while for their eyes to meet afterwards. “A nowhere man.”

 

The question swirled, dancing a ballet on the tip of Gerard’s tongue, delicate footing on his tastebuds, but something about the way Bert looked at him told him not to ask.

 

“A nowhere man, huh? Nice reference.” He provided instead, the answer welcomed with a wide smile from the other side.

 

“Exactly.”

 

Before Bert could even say “Bye.” to Gee that night, a kiss was smooched on his cheek, both of them giggling like schoolgirls.

 

“You’re cute too, by the way.” Bert said before slipping into his ratty appartment’s hall, disappearing into neon blues.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of abuse, be careful

“She broke up with me.” Announced a very wasted Victor on the following Friday night, a lopsided grin on his lips and Kellin let out a long, long sigh before taking him in, repressing his need to slap the motherfucker.

 

‘Good.’ He thought to himself, not voicing it. He didn’t know much about Vic’s relationship with Kate or whatever her name is, but he knew whatever it was, a good girlfriend wouldn’t let their boyfriend get constantly drunk and come back alone and.. Well all in all, Kellin got a bad vibe from her. Unless she too, had some serious drinking issues, in which case it was also better for the both of them to work those out separately.

 

“That means casual sex all the time again!” Vic announced, slurred out and victorious, accompanied with a hiccup.

 

‘Like someone would want to fuck you.’ Kellin thought bitterly, before correcting himself. ‘No, they _would_ want to fuck you. And then they’d run the other way when they see the real you.’

 

He sat Vic on the bed, from which the drunk guy just gazed at him blankly, that dumb smile still lingering.

 

“I can’t believe she broke up with me.” He repeated, his voice wavering this time around, and that... Okay.. Kellin’s eyes definitely darted up at that.

 

Vic was still arboring the grin, but his eyes had taken a gloss, an odd shine. His adam’s apple bobbed up and down. His hands shakily went to cover his face.

 

“Shit. She broke up with me.” Vic reiterated, his voice pained, wrecked this time as he hid his face with his hands. “Fuck.”

 

Kellin was taken aback by the sudden shift. He quietly got closer, placing a hand on Vic’s shoulder as he sat next to him. “Hey...”

 

Vic broke. The walls of the dam holding him together, cracked and graffitied, had finally given out and the water rushed like a contained ocean more than a river. He was shaking like a leaf, opposing no resistance as Kellin pulled him into a hug and then leaning his head on the boy’s chest and wetting his shirt with all the bottled up, aged tears.

 

“Okay... It’s okay, sh..” Kellin could feel all his annoyance melting off with each of Vic’s tears.

 

“No, no it’s not! What am I gonna do without her! No one can fucking stand me! You wouldn’t understand! She was the only one and even _she_ left! Fuck. I’m so sorry Kellin. I keep doing this and.. Fuck.”

 

“Hey, alright, calm down.” Kellin said, taking Vic’s hand in his own, pushing the hair that stuck grossly to his face with tears away from it, looking deep into his eyes. There he was, naked and vulnerable, if not physically, emotionally.

 

Vic avoided his gaze, lowering his head, relaxing slowly his grip on Kellin’s shirt. “I’m sorry.”

 

The light eyed boy smiled sadly, shaking his head. Inside his veins, the blood was boiling. “Who told you that?” He asked, his voice almost unbelieving, like there was no way Vic could be subjected to thoughts of the sort.

 

The other boy remained quiet.

 

“Okay, you’re gonna start off by telling me what happened exactly and then you’re going straight to bed, because you’re drunk and you’re not thinking straight, alright?”

 

Vic looked up at him, an odd expression on his face. “O-okay.”

 

“Dry those tears and tell me all.” Kellin prompted, getting a glass of water for him and placing the heaviest blanket he owned upon Vic’s shoulders, wrapping him up in it. Vic was almost unresponsive as he slid the glass into his hands.

 

Then, Kellin sat across from him and Vic actually responded with a tight smile, it riipping more water from his eyes.

 

“She-.. She wanted to... She wanted to fuck and..” Vic’s voice was wavering incredibly, his throat almost closed up, his hands quivering as he took a sip of water.

 

Kellin’s pose stiffened. He didn’t like where this was going.

 

“I didn’t want to, but I.. She dragged me and... We.. I couldn’t get it up, Kellin! I swear I couldn’t! I know I’m supposed to-- I’m a guy for fuck’s sake, and I’m not one of those fucking faggots! I could not.”

 

Kellin swallowed, his eyes wide, the slur slipping like water under the bridge under the gravity of the situation. “Vic.. You’ve been abused.”

 

“I-- What?! No! She’s-- She was my girlfriend! It’s not her fault I can’t satisfy her!”

 

“Vic..” Kellin said softly, a lump forming in his throat. He’d never been taught how to deal with this. “Just cause she was your girlfriend... It doesn’t change anything. If she didn’t want sex, would you have forced her to.. Still?!”

 

“No! That’s rape!” Vic defended himself, grossed out Kellin would even come close to thinking something of the sort about him.

 

“Would you have left her for it?”

 

“Of course not--..” Vic cut himself short, a spark of realization lighting his pupils for mere seconds before it disappeared in a frown. “It’s different, girls don’t always want sex.” He added, his shoulders slumping slightly.

 

“Neither do boys.” Kellin responded, in the same tone.

 

Vic stayed quiet and still before repeating, again, his gaze lost somewhere on the wall. “It’s different.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so filler-y.

Recovery is no easy task, and he knew firsthand. ‘Baby steps’ He told himself every day, trying not to push him too much. At first, the guy would push to go out constantly, to go back to his old habits of getting wasted every night, but then Kellin would go easy on him. Usually, it wasn’t much of a challenge, it was setting a hand on his chest, a soft, “Please stay, I’ve got nothing to do tonight... I’ll be bored and alone without you..?”, or the playful “I got [...] movie, wanna watch it?”. Vic would accept to stay most of the times, though it took a lot out of him. The first week was the roughest of them all.

 

After the incident, Kellin made sure to take care of Vic to the best of his abilities, but what started out as a hangover soon degenerated into something else. The back-rubs on the first day were absolutely nothing compared to what would come next.

 

The second day came around slow and gentle like a boat rocked by the minuscule waves of a mirror lake, Vic woke up a lot better than he had in the past, though by noon, he dropped a glass, it shattering on the floor. Kellin was startled, his head snapping to look at the disaster on the floor.

 

“I-I’m sorry.” Vic responded to the quiet question, his eyes wide.

 

Kellin shook his head, “Are you alright?” he walked up to him, taking Vic’s hands in his and looking into his eyes.

 

Victor’s adam’s apple bobbed up and down, Kellin watched it with unfiltered interest and curiosity, his touch tender, his palms like velvet or a feather cushion. The tremble of Vic’s fingers spoke on its own, Kellin applied some pressure and it was paused. Vic’s lips arbored a sheepish smile. The sun that filtered through the window was warming Kellin’s back. He didn’t wish to move.

 

“I’ll be fine.” Vic spoke.

 

Spoiler alert; he wasn’t.

 

That night was punctuated with bouts of sleeping interrupted brusquely by cold sweats and nightmares Vic was pulled out of by tears. After his fifth failed attempt at falling asleep, he, half-consciously got up, tapping Kellin’s shoulder. His cheeks were tear stained, but in the dark, it didn’t matter much.

 

Kellin didn’t say a word, simply made him a place. Vic was quick to crawl into bed with him. It was much warmer and nicer than his own, and it smelled. It smelled so comforting.

 

Vic didn’t get any sleep that night, but at least he woke up to a nice sight.

 

The rest of the week, though still fairly complicated, was reasonably easier to deal with. Vic still wanted to go out and get completely fucking smashed, but a hand upon his chest, just the color of Kellin’s eyes, a soft “Don’t leave, please?” were enough to dissuade him. All-in-all, the nerd life wasn’t so bad, albeit a lot calmer than going out, partying, having sex. His nights were now full of watching shows and curling up with Kellin on the couch. Falling asleep there too.

 

When it began, Vic thought it odd to cuddle a gay guy, but considering everything that had happened, it only felt natural. It was like his body was rooted for it, like the circuits of his brain were complete when Kellin was around. He needed the physical reassurance, the hugs, the closeness.

 

He’d tried to initiate things more than once, but each time, Kellin pushed him away, though he’d leaned in at first. He got it; he understood Vic’s strategy. Vic didn’t like him, he just wanted to see. See if someone could genuinely care about him without having sex as a condition.

 

Kellin wanted to show him just that, which is why he couldn’t allow himself to kiss the beautiful man. He wanted to, sure, but some things were more important.

 

By Friday night, Vic was used to it all. He was a part of the scenario now, a scenario he’d been running from ever since he had memory. It wasn’t unusual for Kellin to get existential, though Vic had learned to recognize that usually happened when the boy was a little down. In exchange for everything, the least Vic could do was comfort him, not let him ask too many questions and know when to say “stop”. He found himself thinking about the meaning of life as well, and it did make him a little sad. A little sadder than a couple drinks would have. Everything had its upsides and downsides.

 

The second week came around so unusually normal Vic felt almost taken aback by it. Without Kathy in his life, it was almost like most of his problems had disappeared as well, and though he did find himself thinking of her a lot, especially on nights of loneliness and masturbation, he didn’t exactly miss her. It was strange how his brain was acting. It was completely irrational but at times, he wanted everything to be back the way it was. Thinking back, shit wasn’t so bad. But other times, he actually thought about it and he wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

 

* * *

 

Gerard stood in front of an empty canvas, hands stained with red. He dragged the paintbrush down, drawing a heart and watching as some paint dripped slowly. Behind him, Bert wrapped his arms around his middle, his stubble scratching Gerard’s cheek. Gee laughed softly, letting himself be swallowed by the hug. He didn’t really get why they were together at the moment, there was no real excuse, no cup of coffee between them that would justify them being with each other, and yet it felt so awkwardly natural he, at night, got scared it was too good to be true most of the times. He’d then call Bert up at some point, and his soft, scratchy voice would call him back to his pillow, rocked by his gentle tone, he’d then fall asleep, comforted. Gerard’s whole life had been unsteady, full of unexpected issues and things going wrong left and right. He never thought he could accomodate to anything but that, he always grew restless when nothing happened, but for now, he was doing fine. No will to pick fights with Bert just for the sake of feeling. It was pretty sweet.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter than usual but finals man

“Hey Kells! There’s a party my friend’s throwing and I was wondering... Would you mind if I went?”

 

Kellin stared at Vic for a couple minutes, perplexed. “Are you asking for permission? Vic, it’s not that you can’t go to things, of course you can just --...”

 

“No..” Vic shook his head and laughed. “No I mean... Would you like to tag along?”

 

“Oh um...” Kellin furrowed his brows. “Well, I’m not really a party person... you know? But I guess, if there’s a pretty brunette going..”

 

“I.. I don’t want to ask for too much but.. Could you make sure I don’t get too wasted?” Vic questioned, looking deep into Kellin’s sunny day blues.

 

A smile appeared on Kellin’s lips at the boy’s request. “Uh... Of course. I’ll take care of you.”

 

Vic’s cheeks reddened a little, his eyes traveling to the floor.

 

“Hey..” The blue-eyed boy lifted Vic’s chin with his fingertips. “There’s no need to be shy..” He smiled lazily.

 

“I--.. Thank you for everything, Kells, really.”

 

As it turns out, Vic is a very pleasant company when he isn’t drunk or hungover. He himself had forgotten he liked singing, walking outside and laughing about stupid shit, but Kellin had indirectly brought all of it back into his life.

 

The chocolate-eyed beauty chased his gaze. Kellin nodded no, amused.

 

“Anything for you, as long as it’s the real you.”

 

The rest of the day was spent by a lakeside near the campus, studying on a park table and feeding each other strawberries. It was stupid, definitely not romantic by any means, but overly cheesy. They both really liked just messing around.

 

“Do you get the third question here?”

 

“Vic, I study art..”

 

“Yeah but you’re smart, come on, read it!” Vic encouraged, elbowing his friend in the ribs playfully.

 

“Okay, here, so that you don’t interrupt me.” He fed the other boy a whole strawberry and started; “What does the flower the main character holds during the first few lines of their heated discussion represent in the context of--”

 

“WAIT! WAIT! I got it!” Vic yelled, a chuckle erupting from Kellin’s throat.

 

“Do you really?” He looked at him, a brow raised.

 

“No.” Vic laughed, “Tell me the answer.”

 

“Don’t interrupt me!”

 

“Pinky promise.”

 

The sun set on the water like a caress from the sky. Soon enough, Vic was getting a call from his friend asking if he’d show up eventually, if at all.

 

Kellin and Vic walked back to the apartment and changed before heading to Jaime’s. The younger boy was undeniably nervous, yet optimistic. He hadn’t been to a party in forever, and to be fair, he kind of missed it. The fun, feeling like he had friends, like everyone in the world could be his friend if he just smiled at them enough. The house was pretty quiet when they entered, just a couple people Kellin knew from the hallways, and some he didn’t at all. Immediately, Kellin felt more at ease, especially with Vic, whom, when Jaime raised an eyebrow at him, explained he was just a friend and there was no awkwardness. Soon enough, he was sat on the couch, casually chatting with some dude who said his name was Josh. Quite the large guy, especially compared to the rest of them, except maybe Jaime. Later on, a redhead sat beside them, Gerard. Kellin had heard of him, but it would be the first time they officially spoke.

 

As it turns out, Gerard was very nice, a sweet guy who was very much in love with visual arts and maybe a little in love with Bert, something like that. Kellin didn’t mind, of course he didn’t, but it did drive him to wonder, if Vic and he were friends, what Vic thought about Gerard and his relationship. He didn’t dare ask though, not Gerard, it’d be much too odd.

 

Kellin had lost Vic for a couple seconds and got a little worried, getting up and excusing himself before he looked around for him. Sure enough, he was standing there chatting with some guy Kellin did not seem to recognize, solo cup in hand.

 

Discreetly, Kellin walked up to him, touching his arm in a pause from the other dude.

 

“How many?” Kellin inquired quietly, eyeing Vic’s drink. The latter smiled proudly, puffing his chest like a child showing their first trophy to a parent.

 

“It’s my first one.” He said.

 

“Good.” Kellin’s worries dissipated.

 

“And you are...?” The stranger asked, tilting his head.

 

At some point between eleven and midnight, there started to be a lot more girls. It intrigued Kellin to know why they’d arrived later, but he didn’t look to comprehend. They were mostly very nice to talk to and though he was sure he wouldn’t remember half the conversations he had that night because of how irrelevant they were, apparently being Vic’s friend really does boost your clout. Suddenly, he’d gone from being a no-one who talked to nobody to a dude who could just go up to people and get a conversation going. He wasn’t sure if it was Vic’s reputation’s effect on everyone else or just Vic’s effect on him.

 

As the room got more flooded with people, Kellin grew a little uncomfortable. It had been hours and he was a little tired, the music was loud... He didn’t actually **know** anyone here.. So he went up to Vic, again, just wanting to know.

 

“On my third.” Vic declared, clearly not affected much by it.

 

‘Alright.’ Kellin thought. “I’m gonna go outside, I need some air.” He said softly and Vic just smiled absently and nodded.

 

“Sure.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIIII!!!! I'm finally fucking back!! I've been dying to write but there's been so much going on!!! Hope this isn't too shitty cuz I didn't get much sleep bc; afterprom... TWAS WILD BABIES!! but im back, here i am.

 

The nighttime was strangely calm. In the background, Kellin could hear muffled laughter, conversations flowing almost as easily as the alcohol was. He sat on the porch’s stairs, shivering at the coldness of the concrete beneath him. As he looked out into the street, the sounds became more and more muffled and his eyes got lost somewhere amongst the street lamps. They rose and punctured the dark, velvety blanket of confort in an almost brutal way, and yet, in between the concrete and the crickets, with some pop song playing way too loud inside his roommate’s friend’s house, it felt vaguely right for them to be that way.

 

Kellin didn’t realize Gerard was sitting beside him until a cigarette was briefly flashed before his eyes. “You look lonely, wanna have a smoke?”

 

He looked at the redhead, “Uh... No thanks.” He responded, smiling nervously. He hadn’t really been expecting his inner monologue to be disrupted in such a way. Again, though, it was weirdly in-character for the type of party this was.

 

“ Sorry about... Well, you seemed deep in thoughts. I get it, you know, it gets too noisy in there, too many people, too many things happening. It’s nicer here, isn’t it?” Gerard suggested, before correcting himself. “Well, I’ll shut up now, let you keep thinking.”

 

Kellin raised an eyebrow, shrugging. “Nono, it’s alright, I—um.. I like conversation. If... You wanna talk.”

 

“Yeah, why not?” Gerard responded.

 

“So... you don’t like parties either?”

 

“Oh no, I **love** them.” Gerard laughed softly.

 

“Then.. all that speech?”

 

“Well, I like them a little too much. I gotta get away from crowds too, if I don’t... Who knows where I’ll end up. I get carried away by them.”

 

Kellin glanced at Gerard, nodding and humming in interest. He’d never really seen someone so open when it came to talking about the not-so-fun parts of life. After all, they barely knew each other. This made Kellin feel at ease, he reached towards the cig.

 

“Can I?”

 

“Sure. You ever smoke before?” Gerard extended the smoke towards him.

 

“No. Bad memories attached.” He limited himself to replying, grabbing the fag and placing it between his lips, tentatively inhaling some, and then having to take it away from his mouth to cough, laughing in between.

 

“Then... Why tonight?” Gerard asked cautiously.

 

Kellin shrugged, “I need to chill out, be less... stuck up. I don’t know. Everyone’s having fun in there. Even you’re having fun.” he replied, his voice strained from having almost choked.

 

The redhead took the cigarette back from his hands and went back to smoking, thinking for a little before he responded, “Well, sometimes, being wary of certain things isn’t necessarily bad, you know? It’s like signals your body is sending you, like, this situation could degenerate.”

 

“Well, I don’t really enjoy being the nerd, you know? It feels like it was forced upon me.”

 

Gerard nodded, before ultimately shaking his head. “No, I don’t understand, but I empathize with you.”

 

Kellin felt lighter afterwards, even though what was left to hang between them was but pure silence. He felt like, finally, things made sense, and in the end, the tempest inside his head.. He’d known the answer to it all along, he just needed to word it out to someone, and now the pieces clicked.

 

Kellin got up, smiling gently. “I’m going back in.”

 

“Alright kid, have fun.” Gerard responded, staying right where he was, his silhouette cut out by the dark pavement.

 

Kellin went in with some sort of rush, a confidence he didn’t have before. He felt like someone else, truly. The anxious kid who was deathly scared of anything to do with mind-altering substances was no longer. This was going to be fun, he decided, and with that, he bummed a beer from some guy he’d never talked to before (the can wasn’t cracked open, though, so it was safe) and wormed his way back into the crowd.

 

Most of the kids were hanging out in the living room, the speakers blasting hits at an interval of right about a minute, just enough time to get into it, and then it switched. Kellin dipped his lips into the sickly sweet subtance only to realize it was one of those fruity-type light beers designed for, most likely, minors, specifically girls. Why? Because of toxic masculine ideals that state a man shall not drink anything for which the label is some kind of shade of pink or plum. Whatever, it tasted good, and it was most likely placebo effect, but already, Kellin was feeling some sort of shift.

 

Now, he just wanted to find Vic. Maybe if Vic saw that he wasn’t the studious nerd anymore, maybe if he saw that he was more than down to get shitfaced, maybe, perhaps, just for him, maybe then, he’d accept to try and date him. To be honest, it had been very hard keeping his mind off those thoughts up until now, but he’d been doing it because he was worried going too fast would turn Vic back into his old ways, but maybe Vic’s ways weren’t problematic, maybe the problem was Kellin...

 

And then, he saw Vic.

 

His eyes; two tenis balls. His mouth; a football field. His heart wanted to thump its’ way out of his chest, but Kellin was faster, clutching his chest so it wouldn’t escape, nails scratching deep into his skin.

 

Yes, there he was, Kellin would recognize him from behind any fucking where. He was pressed up against her in a frenzy he’d never seen Vic in before, his hands all over her bust, her ankles crossed behind his back, hips rolling into him, her throat exposed, head thrown back.

 

For the split of a second, Kellin would swear their gazes crossed and she smiled as if she’d won the world’s biggest prize, her fake nails coming to scratch possessively at Vic’s back. The next moment, she was moaning his name whorishly and Kellin just wanted to die already.

 

“Vic~, someone isn’t enjoying the sight.” She whined, her eyebrows knit in fake sadness.

 

Kellin’s feet were but two blocks of concrete, yet his knees had magically turned into marshmallows, and here he was, neck deep in dangerous waters, unable to swim away from her predator gaze.

 

Vic put her down, turning around slowly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> myea

His eyes were blown, his hair was a mess, his lips parted slightly. Kellin swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth.

 

“A-are you drunk?” He asked, almost quietly.

 

“What’s it to you.” Vic responded coldly, unlike anything Kellin had ever heard from him before, taking a step towards him.

 

“You asked--..” Kellin started, only to be cut off by Vic staring into his eyes with almost pure hatred, though beneath him lay some sort of fear, badly dissimulated in the warm shade of brown. Victor laughed softly, shaking his head, but it felt forced.

 

“I’m playing.” He let his hand fall on Kellin’s shoulder, heavily, heavier than necessary. Vic reeked of booze. Kellin wasn’t liking it. “Don’t look at my girlfriend like that though, I know she’s hot, but she’s mine.”

 

Kellin shook his head, putting the beer on the nearest available surface. “Oh so she’s your girlfriend now?! Vic, we need to talk.” He spat out, grabbing the other male by the collar and tugging him out the nearest exit, sighing in relief as some colder air flooded into his nose. He didn’t even realize how suffocating the inside of the house had grown. “Vic! All she ever does is hurt you!!”

 

Victor frowned, shaking his head, “Sure she doesn’t! You’re just saying this ‘cause you’re jealous.”

 

“Vic, she--.. How many times have you gotten drunk with me? How many times have I forced you to do things you didn’t want to do?” He tried to rationalize with him, his eyes flooded with worry, but also, something deeper bubbling up beneath the surface.

 

“Oh.. I get it.” Vic responded, his hands closing into fists. “I get what this is about. It’s a you thing. It’s ‘cause you’re a nerd and ‘cause you’re gay and you wish you were like me but since you can’t be, you just resort to making everyone else have the worst time possible. Maybe this is the life I wanna live, Kellin!”

 

“No it’s not! Stop fucking lying to yourself! I see the way you look at me, Vic, I’m not fucking blind! You look at me like I’m your way out of this mess! You look at me like a drowning man desperately grabbing for a lifesaver! I could be your shoulder to cry on, Vic! We can fix this!” Kellin reasoned, fervent in his preachy words.

 

“So you like _me_? Is that what it’s all about?!” Vic yelled, pushing Kellin back. “Is that it, you fucking faggot? Huh, Kelly-boy?”

 

Kellin had enough, he was more than fed up.

 

“You’re gonna shut the fuck up. I’ve listened to you this whole time, now you listen to me. So what if I did? What in the world would that change? Just ‘cause you’re not able to look out for yourself doesn’t limit people from seeing someone who has so much potential, somebody who is truly beautiful from the inside out and yet chooses consciously to fucking ruin everything! You know what? I’ve been through this dozens of times, and none of them worked out! In the end, if you don’t make a choice to stay fucking sober, I can’t make you. If you don’t make a choice to hang with people who take care of you, then I can’t do anything for you.” Kellin replied snappily, leaning forward until he was so close to Vic he could see every detail in his irises.

 

“So what if I like you, so what if I’m a...A faggot. It’s not like I’m gonna force you to go out with me, you know? I lied. Anyone would want someone like you, it’s people like me they don’t want. ‘Cause I’m too scarred, too fucked up, ‘cause I can’t have a night of tranquility, I’m always making sure no one’s killing themselves in my sleep, ‘cause I care too much and cry too easy, ‘cause too little things make me disproportionally happy. You know what Vic? You’re right, this is a me thing. I’m fucked up like this from people like you. I’m unloveable because of people like you.” Kellin finished, his voice having raised volume considerably, his heart beating harshly against his ribcage, and now, shame consumed his face and he could feel the tears rising to his eyes, but he couldn’t give Vic the satisfaction of crying in front of him, so he swallowed them back and turned around, walking back towards the house with a heavy step.

 

Kellin stormed through the living room and went right out the front door. There, Gerard was still sitting, still smoking, unchanged, unaffected by the happenings inside, as if it were a whole other world. Calmly, he asked, “Do you need a place to crash?”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“You’re not Vic’s first heartbreak, you know?” Gerard replied with a little chuckle.

 

“Do they all go on a rant about self-care?”

 

The redhead’s gaze met his, puzzled, “Not... usually no. Something more along the lines of “You’re kissing that bitch? I thought we were something!””

 

Kellin nodded, now, finally relieved of the pressure of having many people he knew around him, letting the tears roll down his cheeks. “Goo-good.” He stuttered, his shoulders slumping forward as he hid his face into his hands and exhaled slowly.

 

Fuck.

 

“Hey, ‘ts alright.” Gerard offered, stomping on the cigarette with the back of his foot. “Some things just aren’t meant to be.”

 

“No it’s not that, you wouldn’t--..” Kellin sighed, cutting himself short before he said anything too cliché.

 

“No, I’m sure I wouldn’t get it.” Gerard completed for him, wrapping an arm around Kellin’s shoulders and directing him towards the car. “Wait for me as I go get that bearded bastard.”

 

Kellin stared at the tires against the dark asphalt in the night, and the way they were ever-so-slightly pressed to it. He felt exhausted, too exhausted to deal with any actual emotions, he just rode the wave of his consciousness, thinking about how stupid this all was. He should probably not trust Gerard so shortly after meeting him, but he didn’t really have anything to lose either.

 

As he gazed into the horizon, at the artificially illuminated skyline, he realized his family was far away and didn’t love him, his career was as unatainable as the sun and his only goal up to now, finding love, had gone terribly sour. Yeah, even if Gerard and Bert decided to feast on his insides tonight, it wouldn’t change much. He’d brought more pain than happiness into this world.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Pretty graphic/descriptive self-harm and drug use.  
> Please stay safe.

The streetlamps. The unfamiliar faces rushing by. The air caressing his face through the slightly open car window. Kellin breathed in slowly, his hands trembling. He wasn’t there anymore, he was ten years earlier, sat at the table, watching as his brother’s body went all lax from the heroin he’d just injected in his veins through a poker face. He remembered every detail, that leather strapped wrapped so tight around his arm that it would turn blue of Kellin ever forgot to take it off for him...

Blue, blue just like the bruises littered all over his forearm, of all shapes and sizes, all circular. Fast forward a couple months later and he’s injecting somewhere else; his arms are no longer a viable place. His veins are all shrunk, all popped, disgusting. Looking at him makes Kellin puke a little in his mouth, but he can’t tears his eyes away, and once again, his expression is blank, void of any feelings. If he could feel, he’d probably have jumped out the window by now. 

“Ma?” The skinnier boy asks, a dopey smile on his face. Who knows what he’s on this time. 

“No, you know Ma left us.” Kellin responded, shaking his head.

“Oh. Yeah. I remember.” 

No he didn’t. It was better that way. That literal whore had left them to sustain her addiction, abandoned in the arms of a stranger, maybe their dad, probably not. He had never been all too good with children, but at least he didn’t hit them, and he provided a place to stay, though kindness wouldn’t be the word Kellin would use. Oh no, it wasn’t kindness. It was like this man saw a future in them he couldn’t see in himself. Well, at the time, anyway. 

Soon enough, his brother had learned his mother’s way and Kellin was left supporting both of them by working as much as he could, wherever he could. He was seventeen, and life was tough.

“Kells, you look like a guy who needs a hit.” Bert said as he looked at him, a semi-smile upon his lips. Gerard scolded him with his sight before shaking his head.

“Oh.. Uh, no thanks.”

“Calmos friendos, it was a joke.” Bert responded, “Do you plan on getting out of the car anytime soon or should I just give you a blanket and...” 

“Jeez, Bert, be nice to him, he’s not in a joking mood.”

Kellin smiled nonetheless, shrugging, “It’s nothing. I’m fine. And, no, though I could crash here if I’m too much of an inconvenience. I just need some time to sort my feelings out but I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow morning.”

“Oh no boy, don’t worry, if you’re Jaime’s friend you’re my friend, and we’ve got room for you.” Gerard responded.

“Ya heard the queen.” Bert joked, offering him a hand to help him up.

Kellin couldn’t help the smile that split his lips. Friends? 

He never really learned whether this was Bert’s or Gerard’s place, but in his current mental state, it didn’t really matter. All he knew is he’d been blessed with the most comfortable couch he’d ever slept in and a warm blanket he was quick to wrap himself with and offered whatever was in the cupboards.

“All yours man.” Gerard promised before he disappeared into a lustful darkness with his boyfriend. Kellin tried not to be too jealous and to fall asleep quickly lest he heard things he would rather not hear.

The cupboards were, Kellin soon learned, pretty empty safe for a few edible-looking things and a couple bottles of whatever. He decided to just go sleep, feeling pretty safe in his warm cocoon, ignoring the impending need he felt bubbling beneath his skin. Vic didn’t deserve any of his pain. He could go fuck himself. If anything, Vic needed him, not the other way around. 

So Kellin woke up in the middle of the night, unable to contain the urge anymore and spedwalk to the bathroom, locking the door before he explored the drawers, a feeling of impending doom and guilt vibrating in his chest, but he could not help it. He knew it was oh, so wrong, but as the razor slid, clean and easy over his arm, he couldn’t help the relief that washed over him through the form of a sharp sting. After a couple minutes, his arms were bleeding, and he’d never wished to go that deep, but it felt almost right, the angry red mocking him. At least that could escape his damned body. Kellin wished he could do the same, run away through the cracks, fall down the drain, stain porcelain white only to be washed away and make his life elsewhere, in another body, but no, despite everything, despite the absolute torture that feeling every droplet of water as it slid down his arms, robbing the cuts of their color signified, he still was just as tied down to the person he’d become. That monster he could see in his reflection in this nasty mirror. Kellin hated it.

“’Cause I’m too scarred, too fucked up...”

“Is that it, you fucking faggot?” 

But those were lies. That wasn’t Vic. Kellin’s eyes flooded with tears because he knew he was lying to himself, not because he was so angry at him. Vic was the scared boy, Vic was 

“I’m sorry I’m such a burden.”

Kellin shook the thoughts away, cleaning everything up and putting his shirt back on, hoping he’d sleep relatively still and bleed nowhere.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Like this? I also happen to be looking for a kellic rp partner, so, if you're interested, leave a comment n i'll give you my kik (a comment so it's easy to just delete it afterwards hehe)
> 
> ALSO; please remember that while people even reading this means the world to me, comments help a shitty fanfic writer stay motivated, so please, leave a few words? C:


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